Idiots and the Lotion Pushers Who Loathe Them

As a professional lotion pusher, I have daily interaction with a plethora of people. They are called Customers. Majority of cosmetic buying customers are nice, charming people that just need help picking out the right moisturizer for their skin type but at least a few times a week, you get the people that you wish you could just jump right over the counter and throttle (ala, Homer Simpson choking Bart). It is these people that make you wonder about the future of the human race and hope that they have never procreated because god help their spawn. So I now begin a series called "Idiots and the Lotion Pushers who Loathe Them"


Chapter 1: The Tale of the Campfire Barbie

This person has been nicknamed as such because from the back you see this skinny, petite body, decked out in the latest style outlined in Cosmo with blond hair scaling down her back and then she turns around and it is all you can do not to take a step back and gasp in horror. Her face literally looks like it has been melted as it is so distorted from all the plastic surgery. It is painfully obvious that this woman cannot accept that at 55 (or possibly 60) you no longer look fresh off the pages of Seventeen magazine and there is no surgery that is going to turn back the hands of time that far. She is totally craving the life of a 21 year old and is clinging to the party boat by her bad hair extentions. I think you get the picture.

Anyway...Melted Mattel entered my life one night on a day that had been very poor in sales about 15 mins to closing and had a return. Not just a $10 return but a freakin' $50 return!!! I just see all my KPI's disappearing before my eyes as she hands me two bronzers and now wants to exchange them (phew, a little better) for some foundation (yes, something to help hide that face) and tries to tell me how she didn't use them (lies, I tell you, lies). She has no receipt but I am cool with doing the exchange. She then proceeds to take her ratty old makeup bag out of her purse and pull out a compact that is dirty and covered in scotch tape. I can identify it (just barely) as one from my company and she is complaining that it broke (it is a powder foundation) and how she wants to return it as well. She then launches into this story I have heard before. A story word for word I heard just a month ago when a customer called with the same tale. A story I believed the first time around and allowed the exchange to happen but had told her it was a 1 time deal type of thing and to be more careful with her makeup. And I realize that this lady fits the description and is exchanging for the same makeup as the last one. The poster child for cosmetic surgery gone wrong is trying to scam me!

Now I am pretty brazen. I have worked with people way too long not to be and I know that if you come into my store, I will provide you with some of the best customer service you have ever received but if you try to screw my store, I make sure you know (in the nicest way possible) that I am on to you like white on rice. So I bring up the call in a whole "Didn't you come in a month ago and return some make up for the same reason?" I LOVE playing dumb even though I remember just about everyone who's come into my shop, what they've bought and their kid's ages if the imparted that information to me. Her deer-in-the-headlights look lets me know I struck a cord in her silicone soul. And out comes the defensiveness that only comes when you've been caught. People, your defensive reaction is the ultimate clue to us that you are trying to be shady as honest people don't have anything to be defensive about. I know she is wondering how I know it is her (hello, we talk about you when you leave if you look like your face was crafted from molten plastic) and tries to now tell me that the makeup was broken when she bought it. Riiiiiigggghhhhttt......I love when stories change mid way through as they begin to see that they need another tactic.

I remain adamant in my stance that I am not taking back this compact that she is obviously using (do not pull a return item out of your makeup bag in front of the cashier, idiot!). She then asks for the manager of the store and then in that very moment all the dealing with her comes to the culmination point. The very peak of the mountain. She wants the manager. I look her right in the eye and inform her that I am the manager and I am still not taking it back but she is more than welcome to call our customer service number. Yes, vindication and it feels awesome.

Now pick up your jankey, broke ass powder compact and get the hell out of my store!

Sudoko and Skiing

Tonight I joined the ranks of all you smart people. I finally successfully completed a round of Sudoku (which I consider to be the game of geniuses worldwide). It all happened after putting the Brain Age game in my Nintendo DS for the second time since October (I am really working my brain hard here, obviously) and after trying it and wanting to chuck my DS against the room, it finally happened. The miracle of Sudoku found its way to me and the numbers unjumbled in front of my eyes and BAM (like Emeril throwing seasoning into a pan) it was done! After high fiving J, and resisting the urge to run into the street to share the awesomeness that is my brain with all of my neighbors (whom I don't even know and who would probably just think I was deranged as I stood on their porch babbling about Sudoku, Nintendo DS and geniuses at 11:30pm) I put the game down and truly drank in the moment. I finally solved a Sudoku puzzle. Now when I see people with their big, fat Sudoku puzzle books sitting at the local coffee shop, I will no longer believe that they are sitting there smug with the thought that they are better than all those who could not solve these little boxes of number glory, I will now look at them and see that they are trying to ward off alzheimer's as long as they possibly with fun puzzle stimulus.

Oh, who am I kidding, I will still believe that they sit there and think that they are better than everyone else who can't figure the puzzle out, but now I will be part of their ranks and we can think we are better together. Muh ha ha. Taking over the world one Sudoku puzzle at a time.

On another note....to all of you people who have asked me to go skiing or snowboarding in the past and always told me that it was completely safe (even though I have enough problems walking across an ice patch let alone strapping smooth board attachments to my feet and sending me down a hill) look at what happened to poor Natasha Richardson this week. She was on a Beginners hill, taking lessons with a professional (who, I am assuming, was not drunk like my peeps that would be who would be "teaching" me (i.e. laughing and pointing as I fell and couldn't get up)), fell, bumped her head and DIED. I stand vindicated in my believes that skiing or any snow sport is deadly. And I soooo like living way better than I would probably ever like skiing or snow boarding, so never harass me again about not participating in your reindeer games.

My Epic Battle with Weight and how the Weight is Winning

When it comes to eating, today I haven't done so bad........yet.

Had lunch with the girls (salad with a little balsamic vinegar and olive oil and a half roast beef sandwich on rye (no mayo no cheese but a small smear of avocado), 6 green olives and iced tea) and that's about it. But the real challenge starts when J gets home. He'll get home around 6:30ish and I won't feel like cooking. Leading me only to one solution....fast food. Cheap and filling (and right on the corner), Taco Bell always gets my vote. My mind will think about all the veggies rotting in the fridge and the chicken (or fish) I have frozen in the freezer, but I will still grab my keys and say Si to a nachos bell grande and two cheesy double beef burritos (yes, I said two cheesy double beef burritos, I can't help myself) and even when I am waiting for my turn to speak to the lighted board, i will glance up at the fresco menu and for a moment (a brief glimmer really) I will consider at least ordering "healthy" fast food, but I will quickly avert my glance and see the oozing cheesy double beef picture and will hear myself automatically asking for three. Yes, I said I would have two but I will then say three before I can even think about what I am truly saying. I will then drive home and park myself on the sofa, and while watching the skinny plastic skanks on a rerun of Rock of Love Tour Bus and avoiding the eyes of my chihuahuas as the follow every bite as it enters my mouth, i will devour all three cheesy double beefs and the nachos bell grande. And then the guilt will set in......and set in some more as I literally feel sick to my stomach after eating so much crap. I know that i could just say no, stick to my guns and cook a nice grilled piece of chicken with some steamed veggies and maybe a teeny weeny baked red potato. (seriously, doesn't this just pale in comparison to cheesy double beef gooey goodness?) Hell I could even just have one burrito but I know myself waaaaaayyyy to well to even consider that a remote possibility. Constraint is not a strong point for me (well neither is willpower, but at least I am honest) but today I have not been bad....yet and just maybe I will be able to keep it that way. I can break this cycle. I use to have such strong willpower when it came to food that I have had numerous people tell me that i was their inspiration to just get up start moving and start eating and living a healthy lifestyle. But when I stumble, I crash and that's what I have been doing for the last 1.5 years, crashing. I am a total stress/emotional eater with a river of excuses as to why I have packed on 55lbs in a little over a year. I use to blame it on working full time and going to school all night but so much for that excuse since I graduated last July. I then switched my blame to how I loathed my job and sitting at a desk all day just kept me completely immobile therefore forcing me to eat junk food to ease my pain and not exercise but then I switched jobs. Now my excuse is that I work retail in a mall (hello sbarros!) and am constantly stressed since I run a store and am expected to keep making killer profits while the economy is in the crapper (do you know how frustrating it can be to try to sell $20+ lotions and potions to people who come into my shop and then tell me how they can get lotion at Walmart for only $4????? Word of advice people....if you know you can and like the lotion you can get at Walmart, then go to Walmart. Stay out of the freakin' mall. There is no discount lotions there. I have a traffic counter that I am judged against and every time you come into my store to point out I have a higher price point than Walmart and turn around and walk out, I have to consider you one more person I didn't "convert" to loving my product (yes, retail stores judge a portion of sales persons performance based on the amount of traffic compared to the number of transactions). And if you think that by telling me that Walmart is considerably cheaper is an eye opening experience for me and makes me feel guilty for being a higher priced lotion pusher, it isn't/doesn't. Hate to burst your bubble but it does absolutely nothing for me except make me hate the traffic counter even more. Word to the wise, if i could sell my lotion to you for only $4, believe me, i would as i would have droves of women lined up around the block, but I can't and I can't haggle with you either.) Okay back to excuses....but although I normally can blame it on all the people who annoy me with Walmart comparisons, i can't do that today either since I was off work today. I have had absolutely no irritating encounters and my store hasn't called me a million times for advice on how to do something, so I think today I will not give in to the Taco Bell temptation or the McDonalds siren call. I will not soothe my worried mind with a large m&m blizzard from DQ because today i really have no worries. And while I may not cook chicken and steam veggies, I will try my hardest to keep it healthy and not dipped in trans-fatty goodness. And while my mantra may be "you only live once, eat a hot dog!" I'll try to avoid hot dogs today too.

First time for everything, right?

So never ever have I ever blogged or even considered blogging before but all of a sudden (or in retrospect over the last few months) the idea of writing to an anonymous group of people has grown on me and so here I am, a lotion pusher on the verge of sharing her insanity with the world at large (or whomever happens to stumble across this page). For clarification purposes, a lotion pusher is nothing dirty (get your mind out of the gutter or maybe its just my mind that is there) but a person who merely runs a cosmetic shop. Hence, being a lotion pusher. Use some lotion, you know you'll like it (and now I hear my friend Kim recanting Silence of the Lambs "It rubs the lotion on it's skin" in my head). And being that i have never done this, I have no idea how to start. Is there some sort of blog kick off party I am suppose to throw? Do I email all my friends and let them know that I am now writing everything online, so please stop calling me and texting because I will only communicate via the blog from this point forward? Is there a manual somewhere that I can read and declare as my new bible? Did anyone else have these questions when they started just typing?

The only thing I know for sure is that J (my better half) is going to be so proud of me. Well that is until I start blogging about him.