My Epic Battle with Weight and how the Weight is Winning

When it comes to eating, today I haven't done so bad........yet.

Had lunch with the girls (salad with a little balsamic vinegar and olive oil and a half roast beef sandwich on rye (no mayo no cheese but a small smear of avocado), 6 green olives and iced tea) and that's about it. But the real challenge starts when J gets home. He'll get home around 6:30ish and I won't feel like cooking. Leading me only to one solution....fast food. Cheap and filling (and right on the corner), Taco Bell always gets my vote. My mind will think about all the veggies rotting in the fridge and the chicken (or fish) I have frozen in the freezer, but I will still grab my keys and say Si to a nachos bell grande and two cheesy double beef burritos (yes, I said two cheesy double beef burritos, I can't help myself) and even when I am waiting for my turn to speak to the lighted board, i will glance up at the fresco menu and for a moment (a brief glimmer really) I will consider at least ordering "healthy" fast food, but I will quickly avert my glance and see the oozing cheesy double beef picture and will hear myself automatically asking for three. Yes, I said I would have two but I will then say three before I can even think about what I am truly saying. I will then drive home and park myself on the sofa, and while watching the skinny plastic skanks on a rerun of Rock of Love Tour Bus and avoiding the eyes of my chihuahuas as the follow every bite as it enters my mouth, i will devour all three cheesy double beefs and the nachos bell grande. And then the guilt will set in......and set in some more as I literally feel sick to my stomach after eating so much crap. I know that i could just say no, stick to my guns and cook a nice grilled piece of chicken with some steamed veggies and maybe a teeny weeny baked red potato. (seriously, doesn't this just pale in comparison to cheesy double beef gooey goodness?) Hell I could even just have one burrito but I know myself waaaaaayyyy to well to even consider that a remote possibility. Constraint is not a strong point for me (well neither is willpower, but at least I am honest) but today I have not been bad....yet and just maybe I will be able to keep it that way. I can break this cycle. I use to have such strong willpower when it came to food that I have had numerous people tell me that i was their inspiration to just get up start moving and start eating and living a healthy lifestyle. But when I stumble, I crash and that's what I have been doing for the last 1.5 years, crashing. I am a total stress/emotional eater with a river of excuses as to why I have packed on 55lbs in a little over a year. I use to blame it on working full time and going to school all night but so much for that excuse since I graduated last July. I then switched my blame to how I loathed my job and sitting at a desk all day just kept me completely immobile therefore forcing me to eat junk food to ease my pain and not exercise but then I switched jobs. Now my excuse is that I work retail in a mall (hello sbarros!) and am constantly stressed since I run a store and am expected to keep making killer profits while the economy is in the crapper (do you know how frustrating it can be to try to sell $20+ lotions and potions to people who come into my shop and then tell me how they can get lotion at Walmart for only $4????? Word of advice people....if you know you can and like the lotion you can get at Walmart, then go to Walmart. Stay out of the freakin' mall. There is no discount lotions there. I have a traffic counter that I am judged against and every time you come into my store to point out I have a higher price point than Walmart and turn around and walk out, I have to consider you one more person I didn't "convert" to loving my product (yes, retail stores judge a portion of sales persons performance based on the amount of traffic compared to the number of transactions). And if you think that by telling me that Walmart is considerably cheaper is an eye opening experience for me and makes me feel guilty for being a higher priced lotion pusher, it isn't/doesn't. Hate to burst your bubble but it does absolutely nothing for me except make me hate the traffic counter even more. Word to the wise, if i could sell my lotion to you for only $4, believe me, i would as i would have droves of women lined up around the block, but I can't and I can't haggle with you either.) Okay back to excuses....but although I normally can blame it on all the people who annoy me with Walmart comparisons, i can't do that today either since I was off work today. I have had absolutely no irritating encounters and my store hasn't called me a million times for advice on how to do something, so I think today I will not give in to the Taco Bell temptation or the McDonalds siren call. I will not soothe my worried mind with a large m&m blizzard from DQ because today i really have no worries. And while I may not cook chicken and steam veggies, I will try my hardest to keep it healthy and not dipped in trans-fatty goodness. And while my mantra may be "you only live once, eat a hot dog!" I'll try to avoid hot dogs today too.